Just gimme names, dammit

“A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.”– John Tudor
Aide: “Sorry to disturb your Sunday Mr. President but have you seen the Inquirer’s headline?”
PNoy: “No.”
“You may want to read it.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t buy the Inquirer. Read it to me.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“My vision is blurred.”
“You’re blotto at the Penn lobby again?”
“No, I waited all night for the Inquirer’s early edition.”
“Hmmm, okay, then get someone to read it to you.”
“I already did, that’s why I called.”
“Ask her to read it to me, please.”
A few minutes later…
PNoy: “Call the Communications Group.”
“Ok, whom should I talk to?”
“They’re a team; talk to anyone you like.”
A minute later…
Aide: “They’re not answering their phones.”
“I asked you to call the Comms Group not the Department of Foreign Affairs.”
Another minute…
Aide: “They’re preparing a statement.”
“I don’t need a statement; I want to know whom the bishop accused of taking payola and who makes the pay-offs.”
“He didn’t name names.”
“I’m supposed to guess?”
“No, he said you’re supposed to know.”
“What?”
Aide: “He said, ‘the plumber, the womanizer, the drunk, the fibber, all of them know who is taking payola… except Malacanang… c’mon.’”
“C’mon, why is he lumping the plumber with degenerates? He must not think highly of plumbers.”
“What?”
“Never mind. What else did he say?”
“He said the two suspected officials are not members of your cabinet.”
“Well, that eliminates some people, including you.”
“He said the suspects are in charge of overseeing security matters.”
“Gee thanks but overseeing security matters is the job of every man and woman in the armed forces, the police, and the barangay tanods.”
“You can eliminate the women. He said the suspects are males.”
“Oh goodie!”
“Yes. And he added that one of them has been in service for a long time while the other is new.”
“Why doesn’t he just name them; that would save a lot of time and money.”
“Because that’s not the point of the Twenty Questions game.”
“We’re playing a game?”
“Hehe, no. He said he will name them, in due time and at the proper forum.”
“Okay, while he’s biding his time, I will order the PNP and the NBI to look into his allegations.”
“It’s better that you wait.”
“Wait for what, why?”
“Because the investigators will have to start with him.”
“Obviously. The first step in any investigation is to talk to the person who made the allegation.”
“And so the investigators will be stuck in square one.”
“But we can’t just wait for him.”
“You’re right we can’t because he said you should already know, you have intelligence funds and various agencies at your
disposal.”
“He said that?”
Aide: “Yes. And he said ‘We don’t have a single centavo but why do we know?’”
“He keeps saying he knows but he refuses to give me names. Fine, will he give me some leads?”
Aide: “No. He said, ‘No one gives receipts, no one writes checks…’”
“Duh. I know that but what about a Boy Mayor or a Sandra Cam, does he have one?”
“Not that I know of. Besides he thinks that’s useless. He said, “They say, ‘Show it, prove it,’ then nothing happens.”
“He hasn’t even communicated with me and he’s already saying nothing happens?”
“Yes.”
PNoy: “He claims he knows about payola but he won’t say who is involved then he blames me for not knowing and says
it’s proof I’m tolerating jueteng?”
“Yes.”
“So I’m the bad guy. No?”
“Why don’t you meet with him and ask for his help.”
“I’ll write him a note.”
Dictates note to aide…
“Dear Archbishop Oscar Cruz, Thank you for calling my attention to jueteng payola. Rest assured I support your war against the nation’s most beloved pastime but you have to give me something more than just a blind item to work on. I don’t have time to play Twenty Questions with you. Just gimme names, dammit. Yours in Christ, PNoy.”

Manuel Buencamino

Buencamino was a weekly columnist for Today and Business Mirror. He has also written articles in other publications like Malaya, Newsbreak, "Yellow Pad" in Business World, and "Talk of the Town" in the Inquirer. He is currently with Interaksyon, the news site of TV5. MB blogged for Filipino Voices, blogs for ProPinoy and maintains a blog, Uniffors.com. Game-changers for him, as far as music goes, are Monk, Miles, Jimi, and Santana.

  • UP nn grad

    Rico Puno has offered his resignation, but President Benigno Simeon “Noynoy” Aquino (whose reputation grows — he is generous and kind to his shooting buddies and college classmates) does not accept.

  • UP nn grad

    Bishop: Puno gets P8M per month

    Inquirer Northern Luzon, Central Luzon Desk
    09/22/2010 MANILA, Philippines—Interior Undersecretary Rico E. Puno,
    a close friend of President Aquino’s, was identified Tuesday as one of the two “ultimate recipients” of payola from operators of “jueteng,” an illegal numbers racket, allegedly getting up to P8 million a month.

    To spare Mr. Aquino from further embarrassment, several senators urged Puno to either take a leave of absence or resign from his post.

    Puno and retired Philippine National Police Director General Jesus Verzosa were named the top beneficiaries of jueteng money, according to a list Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz submitted to the three Senate committees jointly investigating the illegal numbers game.

  • Hmm…from what I gather Cruz has either taken leave or retired. As a (former?) man of the cloth, his virtues can be put to better use heading a task-force on illegal gambling. Just thinking out loud here.

  • Mutual Admiration Society-Pro Pinoy Bloggers…

  • manuel buencamino

    UPnn,

    Is that second and longer version (257 words!) a long-winded attempt at humor? Anyway why use 257 words when four will suffice – just gimme names, dammit.

    As my old english lit prof used to tell me: “write concisely or not at all.”

  • manuel buencamino

    gabbyD,

    Don’t you think he will save the dilg time and money by giving them names so they don’t waste time looking for names that an informant (Cruz) already knows?
    That’s why he has to name names.

    If he has evidence he should produce it. If he has no evidence then names will suffice and dilg can look for evidence.

  • GabbyD

    but, ArchB cruz makes a good point. why does he have to name names? isnt this obvious? why does he have to come up with evidence? shouldnt the dilg do this?

  • The strip tease is indeed killing us all.

  • Manuel,

    Spot on, man. SPOT ON!

    C

  • UP nn grad

    This is MY VERSION of how to respond:

    Response to be posted in FACEBOOK:

    “Dear Archbishop Oscar Cruz, Thank you for calling my attention to jueteng payola. Rest assured I your concern about gambling and other ills that plague the country.

    I want to tell you that General Versoza had already assured me that there are no jueteng operations in Pilipinas. What General Versoza had told me is based on the information that he gets from all of the PNP regional commands.

    I also want to tell you, Archbishop Cruz, that my administration has a regular process. Every two months, the individual PNP commanders submit a report to the PNP chief about law-and-order. Jueteng, kidnap-for-ransom, CPP/NPA and separatist banditry, human rights abuse and especially drugs are key items on those regular reports. And a week later, the PNP chief submits to me a status report on law-and-order across Pilipinas.

    The incoming PNP chief will complete this report in the next 16 months. A summary of the report will be one of the press releases shortly thereafter to be prepared by Lacierda.

    Toodleeee-Yuuuu!!! I got your back covered, Archbishop. Trust me, I know what I am doing. Namaste!

    / President Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino III

    [PS: I do encourage you to send to me via Secretary Lacierda, Undersecretary Puno or Secretary deLima the names that you are concerned with. If this does not meet your requirements, then send the names to Maria Ressa, Ellen Tordesillas or any member of the press (of course, requesting that they keep your identity secret).

    May the force be with you, as Conrado deQuiros has said!!!]

  • manuel buencamino

    UPnn,

    Nah.

    This one is better:

    Archbishop Cruz : Because I hold you and civil society in high regards, I promise to do this. I will investigate, and if found with basis, fire and prosecute all PNP commanders who continue to tolerate jueteng and accept payola from jueteng operators. Just gimme names, dammit,

  • UP nn grad

    What P’Noy can do is this:
    Dictates note to aide…
    “Dear Archbishop Oscar Cruz, Thank you for calling my attention to jueteng payola. Rest assured I support your war against the nation’s most beloved pastime but you have to give me something more than just a blind item to work on. I don’t have time to play Twenty Questions with you. Just gimme names, dammit.

    General Versoza before he retired has already assured me that there is no more jueteng anywhere in Pilipinas.

    Archbishop Cruz : Because I hold you and civil society in high regards, I promise to do this. I will ask the incoming PNP chief to get a written statement from the PNP regional commanders of CALABARZON, Mimaropa, Eastern Visayas, Cagayan Valley and the rest of the seventeen PNP regions that there is no jueteng in their jurisdictions. I will then hold a press conference on December 15, 2010 about this matter.

    Yours in Christ, PNoy.”

  • UP nn grad

    What P’Noy can do is this:
    Dictates note to aide…
    “Dear Archbishop Oscar Cruz, Thank you for calling my attention to jueteng payola. Rest assured I support your war against the nation’s most beloved pastime but you have to give me something more than just a blind item to work on. I don’t have time to play Twenty Questions with you. Just gimme names, dammit.

    General Versoza before he retired has already assured me that there is no more jueteng anywhere in Pilipinas.

    Archbishop Cruz : Because I hold you and civil society in high regards, I promise to do this. I will ask the incoming PNP chief to get a written statement from the PNP regional commanders of CALABARZON, Mimaropa, Eastern Visayas, Cagayan Valley and all seventeen PNP regions that there is no jueteng in their jurisdictions. I will then hold a press conference on December 15, 2010 about this matter.

    Yours in Christ, PNoy.”