Is the Philippines one gigantic Diet Coke Float?

by Kristian Cruz

Hoy Noynoy,

Kamusta na bro? What’s going on?

Eto, winter sa New York. Sobrang lamig, dude. As in, hindi siya sexy in a Sex & the City kind of way. Lamig in a running nose kind of way. As in, gross. For some reason though, kahit malamig, nagkaroon ako ng craving for Wendy’s Float. Pero dahil naka-diet ako to prepare to fit into my Speedo swimming trunks for summer, I ordered the Diet Coke kind. Medyo ironic siya, dahil ang soda ay Diet Coke pero may fattening ice cream mixed on top. Weird di ba? Pero, you have to give me credit, dahil may 50% attempt pa rin to diet. And besides, lunch time pa naman. I have all the time throughout the day to burn it.

While drinking this dessert, all of a sudden, parang na-miss kita. So ayan, I am emailing you habang iniinom ang Diet Coke Float ko. I think it was the brain freeze (meaning, parang menstruation… sudden gush of coldness), bigla kong naisip: Is the Philippines one super-sized Diet Coke Float? Are we equal parts real, equal parts not? Are we 50% sweet and 50% pretending to be sweet? In short, are we a nation afraid of going all the way and instead settling for half? Come to think of it, what the hell are we doing drinking Diet Coke Float instead of exercising?
Lalim ba, bro? I know, I know… Diet Coke Float lang siya. Ewan ko ba, it’s the brain freeze nga siguro 🙂

Hoy Noynoy, wait lang… adjust ko lang ang volume ng netbook ko… medyo maingay si Madonna… playing yung song niyang Nothing Really Matters sa YouTube ko na… btw… may mga sumasayaw na epileptic mala-The Ring asian dancers sa background. Ang scary !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Going back… Noynoy… bakit ganun? Kwento ng nanay ko sa phone, last year ata nagka-attempt i-discipline ang mga buses to stop at bus stops. Kaya nga bus stop di ba? In short, dapat mag-stop ang bus. E kung hindi rin naman natin gagawin, e di palitan mo na lang ang name… gawin mo na lang Goat Stop. Or Love Stop… kung saan nagma-make out ang mga katulong sa gabi. Allegedly !!!

And so, tumawag ang nanay ko a few months after that attempt and sabi niya, nag-rally daw ang mga bus drivers. As in, may association effect sila. Ayun, na-pressure socially ang local goverment and tinigil ang initially impressive show of force nila to implement the stops at the said Love Stops. In short, we are back to square one. Back to business as usual.

Like yung Pasig River, nasaan ang political teeth para sabihan ang factories beside it to stop pumping waste into the river or else ipasasara sila. I’m sorry, mahal bang bilhin ang padlock ??? Ako na ang bibili. Magkano ba ang padlock ????? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tama na ang mga fundraising concert para sa Pasig. Enough naman ang pondo para bumili ng kandado para i-lock up ang mga polluting factories. Hello? Pagod na si Regine kakakanta para sa ilog na yan. Hello, kasal na sila ni Ogie, the girl needs a break. And hello, naging sexy star na si Geneva Cruz mula sa mga days niya sa Smokey Mountain and well.. smokey pa rin ang waters ng Pasig.

I swear, ang Philippine governance talaga is one gigantic super-sized Diet Coke Float. Why do we need to constantly sweeten the deal with a topping of ice cream? A diet is a diet. It will never be sweet and it’s not meant to be sweet. Change is the same thing. Don’t expect it to be liked by everyone expecting the sweetness of the regular thing. So, bakit at the mere mention of a public complaint, kahit alam ng local government that for the long term public good, a certain ‘dietary change’ is needed, ang bilis nilang mag-back track by offering something to sweeten the deal or back out of the necessary changes altogether ?

I swear, pag nanalo ako ng lotto (US lotto para mas malaki nag funds natin, fyi), bibilhin ko ang Pasig River na yan and once and for all, ako na ang lilinis niyan. Bibili ako ng isang toneladang Tide Ultra-Power Powder. Hahaluin ko siya sa ilog. After all, sabi ng Tide commercial, puputi ang lahat. Out of respect sa lahat ng singing fundraising ni Regine, invited siya sa Tide mixing ceremony ko… this time, ipapahinga na natin ang vocal chords niya. All you have to do, Regine, is mag-pose for the photo op, umupo, mag-relax at manood. As for the small population of isdang nabubuhay sa ilog, unlike our local politicians, de-deadmahin ko sila. Sorry, mga isda… ang masasabi ko lang: “Kahit si Juday, natutong lumaban.” In short, let me do what I have to do or get out of my way.

BTW, bro… pupunta ako ng Singapore sa May, kita tayo. And sa mga readers ko na nagta-trabaho sa Tide, paki-sponsor ang Tide powder para sa “Paputiin ang Pasig” campaign ko. Thanks in advance, ha 🙂

Bye Noynoy and see you soon dude 🙂

Your Bro.

Photo credit: Photo By Jay Morales/Malacañang Photo Bureau

Kristian Cruz

  • Hahaha, Kakalurky thought it was a email conversation done by Kristeta to his bro, hahaha, love the sarcasm and wit all around hahaha 😉 Kakaklurkey! #Wagey #Havey

  • Hahaha, Kakalurky thought it was a email conversation done by Kristeta to his bro, hahaha, love the sarcasm and wit all around hahaha 😉 Kakaklurkey! #Wagey #Havey