Dear Archbishop Oscar Cruz

“A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.”—Marx

    Dear Archbishop Oscar Cruz,

    I read where you said President Aquino is more disobedient than Gloria Arroyo on the issue of birth control. I cannot agree with you more.

    I share your view that the President must put the Vatican’s will over and above the sovereign will of his people; that he needs to be reminded that his mandate came from Heaven and not from voters; that attending to your religious teachings must take precedence over addressing the material well-being of his people; and that he cannot be allowed to continue to ignore the fact that you toppled a president when you asked your flock to “make a clear moral choice” and you kept one in power when you remained ambivalent about her moral fitness.

    By the way, I think you should ex-communicate Bishop Romulo de la Cruz of Kidapawan for not going along with your call for protest rallies against the RH bill. How dare he tell his flock that “the issue should not be discussed in the street?”

    How are you going to replace Mr. Aquino with an obedient president if de la Cruz tells his flock to stay home and discuss the RH bill intelligently? Besides, what is there that still remains to be discussed?

    De la Cruz simply needs to tell his flock that God did not create the rubber tree so that they could have latex condoms. God made the rubber tree so that they could all chew gum. Period. Like you, I’m tired of the moral relativity spawned by postmodern thinking. I believe we should let priests decide what’s good or bad for us.

    Moving forward, I won’t be fooled by those population-control Nazis who changed the RH bill’s name to “The Responsible Parenthood, Reproductive Health and Population and Development Act of 2011.”

    I will not follow Senator Vicente Sotto III, who dropped his opposition to the bill because its name was changed. I’m not ready to declare victory and say, “It’s a sign of weakness of the RH bill. They have retreated because they know their position is not the right one. So their target now is to go for the poverty-alleviation issue, and not population-control issue. Then I’m with them.”

    Our enemies are deceitful, so deceitful that they were able to fool the highly intelligent and erudite Senator Sotto with a sleight of hand.

    Speaking of trickery, I want to bring to your attention an innocuous-looking contraceptive for both males and females. A smart young lady who just returned from Europe gave it to me and other friends as a pasalubong.

    The contraceptives are in a burnt red flip-top box, 20 cylinders that look, feel and smell exactly like cigarettes. They are ingested through smoking. The cylinders look so ordinary that you could be talking to your parishioners and not suspect that they are smoking a contraceptive right before your eyes.

    How did I catch the trick?

    Simple. First, the box containing the contraceptive cylinders carries a trademark of the winged helmet used by ancient Gauls. I know the helmet is a phallic symbol, so the wings made me suspicious. Winged phallus, a flying penis, what could that mean? Second, and this confirmed my suspicion, the box has a warning label that says, “Smoking can damage the sperm and decreases fertility.”

    (Note: I know the warning label’s syntax is bad but you can’t expect the people who invented open-mouth kissing to be better at English than those who propagated the missionary position, can you?)

    I won’t reveal the name of the contraceptive or its manufacturer at this time. Consider my tip a blind item like your blind item about unnamed Aquino administration officials receiving payola from unidentified jueteng lords or that two groups are out to topple the President because he is incompetent, unable to see the wisdom of tolerating corruption and following orders from the Vatican.

    You and I know that blind items fuel speculation and that if you name names right away, you will kill the gossip and people will move on. Blind items are better. You can get a lot of mileage without producing proof or witnesses. That’s the whole point to blind items, isn’t it? But why am I telling you this, you are the expert.

    Semper fi,

    MB

Manuel Buencamino

Buencamino was a weekly columnist for Today and Business Mirror. He has also written articles in other publications like Malaya, Newsbreak, "Yellow Pad" in Business World, and "Talk of the Town" in the Inquirer. He is currently with Interaksyon, the news site of TV5. MB blogged for Filipino Voices, blogs for ProPinoy and maintains a blog, Uniffors.com. Game-changers for him, as far as music goes, are Monk, Miles, Jimi, and Santana.

  • Why I am against the reproductive Health Bill. It is the first step to abortion.Abortion is killing the unborn. If one look at all countries in the world where similar bill was passed, it has proceeded to accept abortion. The Philippines’ economy has not plummeted because of the remittance of OFW who came mostly from the low to middle income with big families. They were able to support their families. In the near future Developed and rich countries with 0 fertility rate like in Europe will eventually will have no replacement in their work force. It would be a blessing for those countries who have not exercised Birth Control to send manpower in such countries. If families adopt a one or two children in the family, it will be a disaster. Family reunion will be between a brother and a sister. Most families will have no aunts or uncles, cousins will be limited to one or two. One would have all the luxuries in life , but life would be boring. No cousins to play with, no happy memories to keep and remember. And the sad part is in one’s funeral , who would be there, you have killed them all ( with your pills). By the way, it is the responsibilities of the government to provide the people with their basic needs. If the government make the population as the excuse, then they are not doing their job and if they can not think of plan or solutions( if they consider population as a problem) , they should have to be replaced. Give way to people with ideas and who are intelligent with convictions and who are God fearing. Provide people with the basic needs, water, food, shelter, electricity and means of transportations and peace and order ….available and affordable to them. Let us embrace Life so God will embrace us.

  • What a lot of carp! Never thought that at this day and age someone is still recommending ex-communication. Why stop there? Why not recommend burning at the stake? I guess it’s true that with knowledge comes pride and arrogance. People who write like Manuel give Christianity a bad name. Let priests decide what is good and bad for us? My goodness, have you ever listened to a homily recently?
    It is not my intent to disparage or ridicule. If anything, I am saddened that there are so many who lack the courage to question their beliefs and still maintain their faith. Instead they force their beliefs on others. Such insecurity. If I remember correctly, the RH bill was an attempt to address the irresponsible bearing of children. I wonder if the Catholic church offered any alternative solution apart from telling its flock “to be good”. Who was it that said, a wise man is someone who questions his convictions while a religious fanatic is someone who questions the convictions of others.

    • manuelbuencamino

      Iamnotofthisworld,

      Satire : “the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.”

      I didn’t mean for you to take it as a straight piece. Sori.

    • UP nn grad

      Well….. humor is one way to get sideways mention to repeat that there were rumors about Noynoy-BFF’s/circles and jueteng. The bishop refused to testify, didn’t he? Malacanang did say (and deLima also said) said that if the bishop gets more hard evidence, then the DOJ will investigate.