Ayala Alabang secedes from the Philippines

By Robin M.S. Sage

Reports of condom sniffing K-9 units seen patrolling Ayala Alabang

The Barangay (village) council of Ayala Alabang is embroiled in a new controversy. It just became the first in the Philippines to secede from the Republic. The Barangay council prompted to act after Interior and Local Government Secretary Jesse Robredo’s statement calling on all local government officials to refrain from enacting ordinances that prohibit the promotion, sale, distribution, and purchase of contraceptives such as condoms and pills.

“This is harassment!” An Ayala Alabang council official, and spokesperson Mike Insal declared. The council held an emergency closed door meeting way into the night. Early this morning, after a marathon session, the Barangay spokesperson announced their “declaration of independence.”

“When in the course of human events,” Insal began, “it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands, which have connected them with another, and to assume among the People’s of this Free Earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of God, entitle them.  We hold this truth to be self-evident that all men are created by God.  That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the People  to alter or abolish it, and institute new Government.  We so now declare that the village of Ayala Alabang shall now henceforth be the Holy Republic of Ayala Alabang.”

The Council also declared that their government shall be Ecclesiastical sacerdotal-monarchial, with the Archbishop of Ayala Alabang as its head of state. The position has been offered to the President of the CBCP, but as of this writing the bishops have not replied to the request of the secessionist group.

Following the announcement the Secessionists took possession of Sports Utility Vehicles, and began taking possession of all drug stores in the former village.

Condom sniffing K-9 units have been called into action!  K-9 units have been sniffing for condoms all over Ayala Alabang.  All those in possession will be charged with illegal possession of an abortifacient, and will be subject to 1 year in prison, and 50 lashes.

The Alabang Council also ordered all security guards to patrol the perimeter of Ayala Alabang.  Scores of refugees began leaving the once and former village.  The religious were seen onboard SUVs, chanting prayers.  The village council declared that for now, a state of martial law is in effect.

The President meanwhile is en route back to Manila from his trip in Iloilo when news of the secessionists reached him. The Palace has announced that helicopter gunships have been patrolling the skies over Ayala Alabang. A marine detachment is standing by to intervene on the order of the President.


MISCELLANY: Whether or not Alabang has truly seceded from the Republic or just gone bonkers is less the point than whether Alabang should secede from the Republic. The reasons behind such secession is especially harmful to the gullible. The fading Catholic Church (according to Wikipedia, it claims to be infallible when teaching dogmatic faith or morals) has once again found refuge in the Philippines, where church leaders have found it far more convenient to keep parishioners mangmang than let them have the God-given free will they themselves preach, so Jose Rizal wrote about this 100 years ago. Unfortunately, the country’s greatest columnist believes we Filipinos are the most gullible people on earth. And so on and on it goes.


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About the author
Robin M.S. Sage – Robin Marie Sanchez Sage is a single, 24 year old Filipino American computer specialist currently on sabbatical from pursuing a doctorate in Biological Engineering at MIT. She graduated from Oxford’s University of Cornwall-Somerville (UniCornS) with a degree in mathematics and computer science. She is open to first dates, but wimp boys need not apply. And oh, she is currently living with her German Shepard named, Fluffy.


Guest Writer