“If God had intended us not to masturbate he would’ve made our arms shorter” – George Carlin
Two congressmen have not allowed the raging controversies of the day to distract them from serving their El Shaddai constituents. I’m talking about the two Buhay party-list representatives, Irwin Tieng and Mariano Michael Velarde Jr., co-authors of House Bill 4509: “An act penalizing the distribution, possession with intent to distribute and production of any device for the physical stimulation of human genitals for anything of pecuniary value and providing penalties for violations thereof.”
“I do not expect too many debates or public hearings on the measure,” he said. “It would be downright embarrassing to oppose the bill.”
“Yes, unfortunately there’s an issue larger than just banning sex toys involved here, ” she replied. “The bill is an attempt to regulate sexuality, it’s from the same mindset as the Church’s opposition to the RH Bill, it’s an imposition of Catholicism on everyone living in the Philippines.”
“The congressmen are merely concerned about the proliferation of sex toys,” he explained.
“Congressman Tieng said, ‘the public, especially minors, being exposed to these obscenities may suffer disturbing effects and could trigger sexually impure ideas and acts that give room to sex-related offenses,’” he added.
“Tieng said sex toys could lead to sex-related crimes?” she asked.
“Yes, that’s what he said.”
“He’s afraid some kid might use a vibrator to rob a bank?”
“You’re being absurd,” he replied.
“Am I? Is it also absurd to say the proposed bill is anti-poor?”
“Yes it is, but go on, tell me why it’s anti-poor,” he said.
“Tieng complained about the proliferation of sex toys in shops and stalls in Quiapo and C.M. Recto, right?”
“So that means they are inexpensive, anyone can afford to buy them,” she replied. “Now, if the bill is passed, only those who can afford to go abroad will be able to buy them. Isn’t it anti-poor when only the rich can enjoy the pleasures of sex toys?”
“And what exactly is a device for the physical stimulation of human genitals?” she asked.
“Aw, c’mon you know it when you see it,” he replied.
“Really? Do you think your Hitachi back massager is a sex toy?”
“Of course not!”
“Well, for your edification, the London Times Online said the Hitachi back massager was ‘government-patented and described as the Cadillac of vibrators by Good Vibrations, America’s most influential sex toy retailers.’”
“Oh God, my back massages will never be the same again,” he rued.
“Well, there’s also that Oster hand-held massager that your barber uses on your head,” she added. “That can also be used to stimulate human genitals.”
“I think the congressmen were referring to those devices that resemble a penis. The ones they described as obscene devices.”
“You agree that your penis is an obscene device?”
“I didn’t say that!” he protested.
“But they did,” she replied. “They called representations of the penis obscene.”
“Are you advocating masturbation?”
“One’s relationship with one’s own body is nobody else’s business,” she replied. “But I’m against the bill because it is the product of prurient minds. Passing a law penalizing devices for the stimulation of human genitals is going down a slippery slope, no pun intended, because it will leave a gaping hole, no pun intended again, for similar legislation targeting sexuality. Just because Catholics are in the majority in this country they think they have the right to impose their neuroses on everyone else.”
“I suppose you’re supporting the RH Bill as a protest against Catholic oppression,” he said.
“Don’t get me started on that,” she warned.