Pimping the charter to pump up the economy

My vagina is like New Jersey, everyone knows where it is but no one wants to go there. – Joan Rivers

US Ambassador Harry Thomas got into trouble for pointing out something that no one likes to admit is true: many tourists come here for sex. He cited the number as 40 percent. It does not matter where he got his data or how accurate it is. What is important is that his observation is essentially true. However, by the same token, 60 percent of tourists do not come here to buy sex.

Prostitutes are not our main tourist attraction. And prostitutes do not depend on tourists for their economic survival. They do well enough servicing the libido of locals. Tourists are just icing on their cake. The fact is every country in the world gets sex tourists, some get more than others. The only destinations where nobody goes for sex are the Vatican and Mecca. There is absolutely no getting sex in those places unless one looks like an angelic choir boy or a camel with long eyelashes.

It is ironic that the same politicians offended by the ambassador’s observation about sex tourism want to amend the economic provisions of the constitution to make the country sexier for foreign businessmen. They believe the country will entice foreign businessmen if it puts on a new dress and spreads its legs wide open. That mentality reminds me of the story about the clueless pimp.

Juanito, the pimp, was wondering why his whore was not as popular as Lee’s, the pimp next door. He reviewed his marketing strategy and concluded that his girl needed a make-over to make her competitive. On the way to the store to buy new clothes and make-up for his girl, Juanito ran into Lee.

“How’s business?” asked Lee.

“Very slow,” Juanito replied morosely. “I’m on the way to the mall to buy new outfits for my bitch. She’s not attracting any tricks.”

“I may be crossing the line here but I have to tell you that it has nothing to do with her clothes,” said Lee.

“Are you telling me that my woman is ugly?”

“Of course not. She’s actually better looking than my girl,” Lee replied.

“That’s true,” Juanito agreed. “But why is she not getting any clients? What can I do to bring in more customers?”

“Buying her a new dress won’t work,” replied Lee. “The problem is she stinks. Give her a long hot bath and a good scrubbing.”

Sa madaling salita, simply changing certain provisions of the constitution is like putting on a new dress over the same nasty body. The country will still reek of the odor of corruption and criminality and no investors are going to come knocking on its door asking to be let in.

What is it about politicians that they cannot see what everyone else does? A fresh clean woman with her knees together is far more attractive than a skanky foul-smelling woman with her legs spread wide open.

Manuel Buencamino

Buencamino was a weekly columnist for Today and Business Mirror. He has also written articles in other publications like Malaya, Newsbreak, "Yellow Pad" in Business World, and "Talk of the Town" in the Inquirer. He is currently with Interaksyon, the news site of TV5. MB blogged for Filipino Voices, blogs for ProPinoy and maintains a blog, Uniffors.com. Game-changers for him, as far as music goes, are Monk, Miles, Jimi, and Santana.

  • Anonymous

    As the anecdote points out,  the pimp plays an important role.  Do the pimps of Pilipinas know that they are pimps? And as the anecdote points out,  “sampling the merchandise” and/or beating the crap out of the whores is a small part of the pimp’s responsibility,  the bigger is churning up the business.  [Maybe the pimp should think of sending his bestest-and-sweetest to Singapore or even to cities within 100 miles of the Vatican and/or Mecca.]

  • Joe America

    I see you are intent upon making yourself perfectly clear about things. I am rather seeing the Philippines of your eyes as a prim virgin being preyed upon by dark-minded stalker rapists. She seems a tad psycho to me.

    • Anonymous

      So JoeAm… the dark-minded…   they’re locals, right????   or BFF’s of the locals who get huge discounts if not “free samples”? Can’t be the 40% that Ambassador Thomas talks about. ‘Dem are transients — tourists!!!

    • Manuelbuencamino

      Dear Joe,

      No Joe. What I am saying is she is open for business to all, dark-minded stalkers included. 

      She is not a prim virgin. She struts out her stuff just like any other whore in the street. (Tell me how many countries in the world actively discourage foreign investment? How many welcome foreign investment?) But she is not getting any tricks. And the reason for that is not because she is not open for business but because she is skanky. So the first thing she has to do is to clean herself up first. And then she can consider other improvements.Work on the glaring faults first. Corruption, criminality and lack of infrastructure. Then if business still does not come knocking, that’s when you start looking at your come-ons or investment incentives. Now as to calling the politicians pimps. There is a time when politicians become “they”, as opposed to “we” the people. For example, US politicians changed media ownership limitations on foreign ownership to accomodate international media giant Rupert Murdoch. Look at the damage that brought not only to competition but also to the American political conversation. On an internal level, politicians changed or eliminated regulatory restrictions governing financial institutions to accomodate Wall Street. Look where the rest of America is now.I am not against attracting foreign investment. I am against doing it in the wrong way. I am against the means, not the end.Sincerely,Mama Mary

      • Joe America

        I take not being able to own property as “active discouragement”, and rather think there are orchids amidst the skank, but you have to do a lot of sniffing to find them. Still, I agree that first priority of marketing is to spiff up the product.

        • Manuelbuencamino


          You can own property. Once married everything becomes conjugal property. 

          • J_ag


          • Anonymous

            So what is the legal mumbo-jumbo legalese where GuLO (in her years) and now PresiNoy  following GuLO  —- where Malakanyang give  — ownership —   very long term decades and decades of control to China over hundreds of thousands of hectares of Pilipinas agricultural land?

          • Joe America

            Good to know. What I don’t understand is if I am qualified to live here, permanently, why I am not qualified to invest here. Why it must be through a proxy wife. Why I can’t sell my soul to the Philippines. 

          • Because, Joe my friend, without your Filipino wife, you are not qualified to live here, permanently, hehehehe.

          • Anonymous

            You ae a confused soul, JoeAm.  Of course Pilipinas wants you to invest in Pilipinas.  But the devil would be in the details.  Like maybe you plan to invest in a trade/business in direct competition with a BFF-of-someone-really-important ahem ahem ahem.   And you can’t invest in a “BIG-PUMP” to bring fresh water to a group of barangays,  that would be Against-1987-Constitution (you’d be a public utility).  And you can’t open a school to provide RReeadding/WWrrriting/RRrritTTme-tik — that’s against the constitution too ( Is what I thought I reead in some intelligent guy’s blogcomment somewhere.  Or maybe you plan to open school to be staffed by folks from Mindanao.  Mindanawans aren’t locals,  you have to hire locals, isn’t that the practice?

            Some JoeMarkano-dude from Sausailito or San Jose or San Gabriel  would have responded by now —  you can’t fight City Hall all by your lonesome,  get yourself a lawyer!

          • J_ag

            Joe A. You did not have to marry a Filipina to live here permanently. There are special programs for retirees. The requirement is for you to bring in an investment of $75,000.

            There are however restrictions on certain sectors where your investments may never go over  40% if investing through a corporate character. 
            Over 80% of the economy is open to 100% ownership.  

            Also it would be more beneficial to lease properties than to buy. Mortgage rates long term here are at 12% +.  Rentals would be more beneficial as your opportunity loss of tying up your funds in a home would never pay off. 

            For example I know a few Koreans who own and operate rice mills and are engaged in the wholesaling of rice. Any foreigner can lease lands and start farming and own the farm 100%.  

            Let us look at the Malampaya Gas Project which is 90% owned by Shell and Chevron. I am now sure of how long they have to own the facilities but after another 15 to 20 years it will be turned over to the State.The the State would probably once again sell it to another foreign group. 

            Many ways to skin a cat here for foreigners. . Without them we would still be eating camote. 

      • J_ag

        Correction MB.  Murdoch became an American citizen to own  broadcast media in the U.S. 

  • Joan Rivers took the words out of my mouth!

    • Manuelbuencamino

      glad to hear it was the words and not New Jersey or the other thing, :-))